Last night my nerves were shot, I had a particularly difficult day with my sweet living children. Every one of them was loud beyond reason, one was disrespectful from the moment she came through the door from school, one was extremely loudly trying to right the injustices of the world with her whiny voice, one had absolutely no volume control as he told me every little thing that crossed his mind the top of his lungs, the youngest asserting with attitude that she was unhappy about being told not to play in the sink, garbage can, eat food off the floor and all other 2 year old mischief! At Dinner the roar was almost deafening, then poor Jadyn tried to teach a family home evening lesson. The other kids just couldn't keep quiet long enough to hear even one scripture let alone all of the ones Jadyn wanted to read. As we cleared the table I looked at my husband and said "I think I am going to go for a walk" he gave me the understanding look that I love and adore and then said, "Have fun!"
I then decided to go for a drive and brought along my Kindle. As I got into the car I realized I had forgotten my cell phone. I had the thought that I couldn't go back inside because Emma and Connor both already had their melt downs that I was leaving them. I wished I could let Adam know that I needed my phone without going inside and as I looked up from my purse out my drivers side window, there he was, startling me. We laughed about the noise, the ridiculousness of the family home evening and the chaos that is our life. He then brought me my phone and as I drove away I knew where I wanted to go. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who recognizes my need to recharge and doesn't get angry when I need a break when he gets home from work sometimes.
Once I get to the cemetery the tears always start. It is as if I am able to put on a mask when I am away and as I park next to the road in front of the cemetery the mask is ripped away and my heart is bleeding once again. I needed to visit the voice that is missing from the chaos, the one that would be just as loud, just as silly, just as wonderful and just as exhausting. Some days I wonder if I am up to this task of motherhood, but I am so grateful for the opportunity. I know that not all women get the opportunity to raise children. I am blessed immeasurably and know that I can not do it alone.
My husband is my partner in all things and I count him as my sweetest gift from my Father in Heaven. Having a husband who was able to take me to the temple to be sealed for "Time and All Eternity" has been more essential to my happiness in this life than I could have ever imagined!
As Easter is upon us the message of hope in the Resurrection is close to our hearts. Kira just yesterday asked me, "When is the Ressurrection, I hope it is soon, I really want to meet my twin, and see Oliver again."
The Atonement of Christ makes all things that feel impossible to bear, bearable. He has descended below them all, experienced all things and provides the comfort that we need to endure whatever comes. One thing that grieving mothers across the board can not understand is when someone tells them they are strong. No we are not strong, we have no choice except to endure but we are weak and broken, I am thankful for the knowledge of the Savior so that I know who to turn to for the strength that I lack.
I told Oliver how much I miss him, how much I wish he could be here with us. How very much I wish the he was here to get to know in this life. I cling to the knowledge that Eternity will be enough!
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