I feel the need to share some of what I have endured to become a mother. I was diagnosed with a bicornuate or heart shaped uterus at my 20week ultrasound with Jadyn. She was born at 36weeks when my water broke and I had to have a c-section because she was footling breech. I had been on modified bed rest for 5 weeks. I was dilated at 2 and had to go to Labor and Delivery to stop contractions (that I was not feeling at a ll). Thankfully we had no NICU time with her.
Some of you may know that I am not a stranger to losing babies. I have lost 3 other than Oliver. The other three were at 9, 10 and 11weeks gestation. The first was the worst of the early losses, because at 10weeks I passed the baby at home and then passed out the next day and needed a D&C to take care of the rest. Unfortunately I had a horrible OB who wouldn't give me anything other than Vicodin for the pain, it didn't touch it, and I had horrifically painful cramps for a whole week after the procedure. Thankfully after that week was over the cramps went away. That was my second pregnancy. Jadyn still remembers burying "Nadia Angelica" and where she is buried. She wasn't even two yet. I was told I could start trying to conceive again after 1 cycle. 30 days after my loss I had my period and then I was pregnant again before the next period.
My third pregnancy was scary, I was so nervous about having another miscarriage. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks and everything looked good. At 11 weeks I took a deep breath feeling better that I made it past the time I had lost the last one. But while out of town I started bleeding A LOT. I was shopping with my Mother in Law, I told her I think I am bleeding. I told her I was going to go to the restroom and check, she stayed in line. I went outside to call my friend who is a nurse and worked at a hospital nearby. I got directions and my MIL drove me to the nearest hospital, My dear friend met me there, her husband and Father in law and then they gave me a blessing, right there in the corner of the ER waiting room. I was so scared and devastated! I knew it was over, I felt so empty and lost. But when the ER Dr. came in the room with the ultrasound there was a perfect little heartbeat and no indication as to where all the blood was coming from. The ER Dr said that there is no way that this pregnancy would continue with the amount of blood that I was losing. He told me not to travel home until I had stopped bleeding. It was a 3hr drive with no hospital along the way and he didn't want me hemorrhaging along the way. I prayed with all my heart that if there was a way for that baby to survive, to please let me keep it. I had an overwhelming feeling of comfort come over me. I felt wrapped in the arms of my Savior and knew that everything was going to be ok. My MIL and I stayed in a hotel that night by the morning I was no longer bleeding. We returned home and I met with my OB and there was no doubt that there was still a heart beat. A couple of days later I had an ultrasound, it turns out that Kira had a twin. The baby was on the right side of my uterus and it was not as far along as Kira was. So somehow I had gotten pregnant after I was already pregnant, that was where the blood was coming from. That baby was not viable. It never showed up in any subsequent ultrasounds, but thankfully did not cause me to get an infection. I was put on bedrest at 32weeks after dilating to 2cm. I had contractions often for the next 5weeks. I was put on niphedapine to help keep my contractions from dilating my cervix. After I had Kira, born at 37weeks via VBAC, I did pass the remains of that baby. I was told it was a clot, but later realized what it really was. I was in shock and did not know how to deal with that. I was so grateful Kira was alive and well that I pushed any thoughts of that loss out of my mind.
18 months later, we are living in a new place, I found a wonderful new OB/gyn and Adam and I found out we were pregnant again! I was so worried, I went in for an ultrasound at 9 weeks only to find out that the baby had stopped growing at 6weeks 5days. My OB wanted to do a D&C and also a hysteroscope to get a better look at my uterus. When he came out to talk to us he said that I do not have a bicornuate uterus. I have a septate uterus. My septum divides my uterus in half and goes about 2/3 of the length of my uterus. Septate Uterus is the most common uterine anomaly. It has the worst miscarriage, preterm and late term losses outcomes. My OB did not recommend removing the septum at that time because I had been able to carry two pregnancies to near term. But he recommended that I wait 3 months to start trying to conceive again.
That was a very difficult 3 months for me! Katie and I had been due one day apart. So I grieved all three losses at that time.
When we did get pregnant again I started to write in my journal every night before I went to bed. It was the only way I could find peace. I put all of my hopes and fears down on paper so I could think positive thoughts and rest easy. I had a short cervix from 25weeks on, we did progesterone shots and watched it get shorter and shorter. Thinking I could go into labor anytime. But somehow I made it to 38w2d!!! And had another successful VBAC.
My sixth preg we found out at 7w we were expecting twins, one on each side of my septum. Everything progressed perfectly until my 23w OB appt when I started bleeding. Everthing looked perfect on the ultrasound, cervix long and closed, mucus plug intact, small contractions were being picked up on the monitor but nothing too worrisome. Long story short I delivered my twins less than 24hours later. My son Oliver was born vaginally and Emma was delivered via c-section. Oliver passed away the following morning and Emma spent 125days in the NICU. Every day Oliver is missed, every moment is bittersweet as I am reminded constantly of what could have been.
I have been pregnant 6 times, I have lost 4 babies and I have 4 living children. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and the hope for an Eternity with all of my children someday.
I am not sure our family is complete. We are praying about it, my OB wants to resect the septum if I do, but I am not sure about that yet either.
So there it is in a nut shell! My Journey to Motherhood. Some may say that I am crazy to even consider getting pregnant again after the trauma of my last deliveries, but I have a strong desire to do God's will. If it is his will that I should not have anymore, then I will accept that. But I will be making that decision with my husband and my Heavenly Father. Emma is a true joy! She teaches me about God's love every single day. If there is another choice spirit waiting for a body and waiting to come into my family then I am going to be in a place spiritually and mentally to accept that too.
copywright: Debbie Mitchell Photography @2013
