Plumb: Need you Now
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
Oh I walk, Oh I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
Chorus:
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now
I need you now
I need you now
This song really sums up how I survived this last year! As well as the prayers and support from so many wonderful people known and unknown! I thought I would write a little about those early days one year ago and hopefully fill some details that my Facebook posts may have left out.
One year ago on January 10th I had a regular OB appointment with Dr. Brown at 9:20am. Adam came with me to all of my appointments because of my previous losses, I had a hard time just enjoying being pregnant. Also because with twins it made me even more nervous. I was 23weeks exactly and couldn't complain too much about how the pregnancy had progressed.
We found out we were having twins at a 7week ultrasound, I had just explained that we were there to make sure there was only one baby in there. I wish I could have captured Adam's face when the ultrasound wand touched my stomach. The tech didn't say anything but quickly removed the wand. And handed it off to the more experienced tech. The four of us were silent for a moment, then the wand was placed back on my stomach. She said, "Well, there are two in there! One on each side of your septum. I am going to get Dr. Brown, he is going to want to see this!"
My Sweet Husband said to me, "Well I guess we are going to have 5 children." I laughed because we always said we wanted 4 but would pray about having more. Dr. Brown came it and said that picture belonged in a book and said he wanted to see me in two weeks to keep a close eye on everything.
Seeing my OB every three to four weeks throughout the pregnancy made it go by much faster than my previous pregnancies. I had my home doppler so I was able to listen to their heart beats any time I needed to be reassured they were ok.
At 11 weeks I started having morning sickness, but it wasn't too bad and by 16 weeks it was gone. I was growing fast, I looked much further along than I was!
At 20weeks Adam and I found out we were having one boy and one girl, it was then that they were officially named Oliver Daniel and Emma Claire. We announced it to the family on Christmas Eve with each grandmother opening a present that contained baby shoes. Little loafers for Oliver and pink patents for Emma.
It was so exciting, I was really allowing myself to get hopeful that I would have two babies to take home!
At the appointment at 23weeks I complained about hemorrhoids (sorry if TMI), Dr. Brown decided to take a look to make sure that nothing else was going on, that is when he noticed I was bleeding. Not very much, but defiantly red blood. He checked me and said the good news is your cervix is closed. But to be safe he hooked me up to the monitors to make sure I wasn't contracting. I was. Every 5mins, these tiny little baby contractions. Adam and I prayed as we waited for the ultrasound to be available. Once we did the ultrasound we felt a little better, there was no sign of distress for either infant, no sign of where the bleeding was coming from and my cervix was long and closed.
I am eternally grateful to Dr. Brown for being overly cautious and admitting me to the hospital. The intake nurse was not kind, she was put out that Dr. Brown wanted the babies monitored. Not long after I was checked in I started to pass clots. I was given turbutaline to hopefully stop the contractions. Right before Dr. Brown left for the night he told me that he wanted to keep me over night and that I would probably be on home bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. He said he would check on me in the morning and said goodnight.
Thankfully Adam stayed with me. By Midnight I was having such painful contractions that the Nurse called the on-call Dr. to come check me, I was dilated to 3cm but not effaced and he gave me more turbutaline and transferred me to my choice of Hospitals, I chose Deaconess.
I was taken via ambulance, it was the longest 9miles of my life. The pain was intense, but the fear was much worse.
The nurse who met me in my new room laid it all out, she said that that would be my room for the remainder of my pregnancy, that I should get comfortable. She gave all sorts of statistics none of them good. Then came Dr. Starley, he was very unfeeling, he checked me said I was still at 3cm but fully effaced with the bag of waters bulging. His hand came out with lots of blood on it and he said, "I am going to give you magnesium sulfate to try to stop your labor, but your babies are not viable. If we can't stop it I want you to deliver vaginally so that you wont have to go through the recovery from a c-section. If I do a c-section you are not far enough along to do the low transverse cut, so I will have to do a classical incision that will be a much longer recovery." Then he left the room.
Adam and I prayed, we cried, all we heard was: If we can't stop your labor your babies are not viable. They will die.
That is when Adam got a hold of my Mom, and Katie to let them know what was happening. My Mom was there not very much longer. The Magnesium was terrible, they had just started the bolus when I already started feeling the heat and the headache, my contractions were not slowing or getting less intense, I was asking for pain medication, they hurt so bad. Finally they put something in my IV for the pain, but it did NOTHING. I felt like a heavy weight was sitting on my chest. Then I felt sick, I am so proud of my Mom she didn't even look away she just held the bucket for me. I started crying, I told the nurse it was over, I was in transition. I knew it and I knew there was nothing else they could to. The Dr. checked me and I was at 10cm. They raced me down the hall to the delivery room, I was screaming in pain and begging them to do everything in their power to save my babies. Over and over again I repeated myself, I needed them to know that I was not going to give my babies every opportunity to fight.
Dr. Starley broke Oliver's bag of water and I pushed and pushed as he pulled Oliver out by his little legs, the cord was wrapped around his tiny neck at 5:00am. They rushed him from the room and the pain subsided for a little while. Emma was not coming down so they ordered a portable ultrasound to see where she was. Dr. Ilg the neonatologist came to talk to me then, he said that Oliver's apgars were 1 and 5mins later he was at 6, he was intubated and seems to be handling that ok. He talked about Emma, he said that her best chance was to be delivered via c-section. I immediately agreed to do that and after the ultrasound confirmed she was transverse we were moved to the operating room. The contractions were coming faster and faster, they rolled me on my side and gave me the epidural. I was so relieved.
Dr. Starley said he had blood on hand because of the amount of blood I had already lost and would loose during the c-section I would need it. As the Assisting Dr. came in they both decided they could do the low transverse incision and at 6:05am Emma came into the world, I did not see her. Much later I found out that she made an audible cry, she even kept her heart rate up as they stabilized her. Her apgars were 7 and 8, unheard of for a 23weeker!
I have a hard time writing about what came next. I was rolled from the operating room to the NICU to see my two tiny bruised babies. Then taken to my room to rest. At some point they brought me a pump, I started pumping immediately. Adam was able to do some of their care, like rubbing ointment on their very fragile skin and changing their very tiny diapers.
I called every so often to check on them and Adam went up to see them at care times. They were stable through the night, but that morning Dr. Grettabeck came to my room to tell us Oliver took a turn for the worst. He suffered severe hemorrhages on both sides of his brain, and though they were trying to stabilize him, he was not handling it well. Her recommendation was to remove support and end his suffering. Adam and I were stunned, then she got a phone call from the NICU, Oliver was crashing, we followed her up to say good-bye to our very loved, very tiny little boy. He was seizing when we got there. They were doing all they could to revive him. They removed all of the tubes and wires, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me in a private area. Adam and I wept. My Mom was called, soon she, Katie, Jeff and Jill came to say good-bye as well. He passed peacefully in my arms. I will forever treasure the pictures that were taken of that time. And later the professional pictures we had taken so that we could have something tangible, real to remind us he was here!
Planning his funeral was difficult. But Adam and I did it together, with some very caring people to help.
I pumped every two- three hours. I was discharged from the hospital, going home with out either baby was horrible. Leaving Emma there in the care of people that I didn't know was hard, but necessary! It sucked!
And so my juggling of home life and NICU life began. I was so blessed to have wonderful people in my life who took over childcare arrangements and dinner arrangements so that I was able to visit my fighting warrior twice a day for the entire 125day stay. This song would come on the radio both to and from the hospital, and I would mourn Oliver. I would miss him and wish that I could be caring for him here as well!
I called every so often to check on them and Adam went up to see them at care times. They were stable through the night, but that morning Dr. Grettabeck came to my room to tell us Oliver took a turn for the worst. He suffered severe hemorrhages on both sides of his brain, and though they were trying to stabilize him, he was not handling it well. Her recommendation was to remove support and end his suffering. Adam and I were stunned, then she got a phone call from the NICU, Oliver was crashing, we followed her up to say good-bye to our very loved, very tiny little boy. He was seizing when we got there. They were doing all they could to revive him. They removed all of the tubes and wires, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me in a private area. Adam and I wept. My Mom was called, soon she, Katie, Jeff and Jill came to say good-bye as well. He passed peacefully in my arms. I will forever treasure the pictures that were taken of that time. And later the professional pictures we had taken so that we could have something tangible, real to remind us he was here!
Planning his funeral was difficult. But Adam and I did it together, with some very caring people to help.
I pumped every two- three hours. I was discharged from the hospital, going home with out either baby was horrible. Leaving Emma there in the care of people that I didn't know was hard, but necessary! It sucked!
And so my juggling of home life and NICU life began. I was so blessed to have wonderful people in my life who took over childcare arrangements and dinner arrangements so that I was able to visit my fighting warrior twice a day for the entire 125day stay. This song would come on the radio both to and from the hospital, and I would mourn Oliver. I would miss him and wish that I could be caring for him here as well!
Miranda Lambert: Over You
Weather man said it's gonna snow,
By now I should be used to the cold.
Mid-February shouldn't be so scary.
It was only December,
I still remember the presents,the tree, you and me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Living alone, here in this place,
I think of you and I'm not afraid.
Your favorite records make me feel better,
Cause you sing along with every song.
I know you didn't mean to give them to me.
But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
It really sinks in, you know,
When I see it in stone
'Cause you went away
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you.
Emma's nurses
Most of the journey was summed up in my other post, but I wanted to add that at the end of Emma's stay a few of the Dr.s told me of the nights they sat by Emma's bed, not sure if she would pull through. One of the Dr.s made a mathematical error at when Emma was only a few weeks old, that wasn't caught by the blood bank or her nurse that caused her to get twice the number of platelettes than she should have gotten. My day was shattered when the Dr. called to tell me of the mistake, I prayed with all my heart that she would be ok. Thankfully the situation was handled so wonderfully, everyone was praying for her in the NICU and running lots of tests, as well as consulting specialists. There was no ill effect from the error. But, it shook me!
Emma's nurses
Every day is a gift! I have come to appreciate that so much more. Miracles happen, prayers get answered and people (even strangers) can be angels in your life.
Emma's Birthday was so bittersweet! The week before she needed breathing treatments for her cold, and she was so congested, as well as teething. We put her party off a week so that she could feel better for her party. I am thankful for the love that has been poured out on my family and I am thankful for the opportunity to allow others to serve me.
Emma is caught up on Speech already graduated from that service. She is still getting physical therapy once a week to help her stay on track. She rolls, sits up unassisted and scoots on her butt everywhere she wants to go. She loves to smile and is adored by all who meet her. Her siblings treat her like the treasure that she is. Especially Connor, he loves his baby sister!
We miss Oliver! We talk about him all of the time, my kids tell me they "wish Oliver didn't have to die." Connor says he misses his brother and wants to "see him". Kira prays that the resurrection will be soon so that we can all see Oliver and the other babies that we didn't get to meet again.
At the birthday party we all made stepping stones for Oliver's grave site, each one is unique. We will go place them when the snow melts for good.
