Capture Your Grief Project 2014

Day 1: Sunrise

 I chose to capture the sun coming through the changing leaves of Fall. It represents the changing season of my grief. The hope of a new baby and the sorrow that remains from losing Oliver. 

Day 2: Heart

 This is my heart, the beauty and sorrow all wrapped into one. The joy my living children and my husband bring me is such a light in my life and having Oliver on the other side of the veil is a hard thing. We miss him, my heart is forever missing pieces. Not just Oliver, but Nadia, Sarah and Addison as well. All of my babies that I wish could be here with us now. I am thankful I know I will see them again in the next life. 

Day 3: Before

This is me and my Sunshine (my child born before any of my losses). When I was young and full of the joy of Motherhood. Before we decided to try for another and had our first loss at 10weeks. I have learned so much since then about loss and grief, I have been changed by it. But I feel blessed to be trusted with those choice babies that were too perfect for earth. I am still their Mommy, for eternity!

Day 4: Now and Day 5: Journal

 This prompt actually made me STOP, and really reflect. How am I now? What does now look like for me? The answer is really complicated! I am doing pretty well most days. Being pregnant again is SCARY! Even getting past when I delivered my twins it is still really really hard. The very thought of having more NICU time is terrifying! As much as I loved Emma's NICU nurses, I can't think about having to hook up to a pump again without shuddering! Or the scary things that you have to face while there: NEC, ROP, A's and B's, Anemia, PICC's, IV's....the list could go on forever!

I have been spotting for over a month now, the many ultrasounds have given us no answers as to where the bleeding would be coming from. It is reassuring to see my little man growing and moving and see his little heart beating, but the very real fear that our time with him on the inside is going to end before he or I am ready for it is real. 

I am getting progesterone shots weekly to hopefully get us closer to term. My uterus is irritable so I get a lot of braxton hicks, mostly at night. I hate that the early delivery of my twins has made me lose faith in my body even more than my early losses ever did. I also have no way to distinguish my anxiety from actual symptoms that need to be addressed. In essence, I don't trust myself to know when something is really wrong. I have a hard time with that! I am praying lots, and putting my trust in the Lord to direct my thoughts and actions so that we can have the very best possible outcome for this pregnancy. 

So, how am I now? I am a hot mess! And I am at peace with that! I have come to accept that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this pregnancy or the outcome of past pregnancies. All that I can do is let my "Faith be bigger and stronger than my Fear!" 

In the temple Adam and I asked the Lord if it was His will for us to try for another baby, he gave us both a clear answer that it was. He also gave us no promises what the outcome would be. Only that we were asked to act. Take that step in the dark and allow Him to work in our lives. 

I hope that we have made Him proud as we have stumbled through this very real test of Faith!

Day 6: Books

This prompt is easy for me! Reading has really been a huge part of my healing! I have always loved to read, but now it is more a part of me than ever! Above are two of my favorite Authors. I re-read both often, when I am having a hard time processing life, I escape into their stories and feel a little stronger and able to get through what ever comes my way!

Day 7: Sacred Place
There are many places that come to mind when I think of sacred place. One is the temple:

This is where Adam and I were sealed for time and all eternity. Our Temple Anniversary is coming up, it is the 18th of October. I know I have mentioned before here but when we were sealed there I had no idea how vital that sealing would be to my peace in our losses. Knowing that those spirits were sealed to us no matter how long they were with us has helped me to endure my losses.
The next place I think of is my home. The place where we are set apart from the world, we laugh and cry and fight and play. The place where we are safe and where we have experienced much! I feel the spirit in my home and hope that my children do as well.
The ocean has always held a special place in my heart as sacred as well. The majestic beauty helps me to put things into perspective. We are but tiny specs on the earth, but we are important to God. He knows each of us!

My Visit to Oliver's Grave

Having to visit Oliver's body there, makes me feel like I am dying inside. Suffocating slowly with a gaping whole in my heart.  I don't go often and have given myself permission to let that be okay. Sometimes it feels like being there resets my grief, and that is a difficult thing to come back from. I have been sharing our story and have been able to talk about His short life without tears, it has been healing, now it feels too much to bear. 
Last night my nerves were shot, I had a particularly difficult day with my sweet living children. Every one of them was loud beyond reason, one was disrespectful from the moment she came through the door from school, one was extremely loudly trying to right the injustices of the world with her whiny voice, one had absolutely no volume control as he told me every little thing that crossed his mind the top of his lungs, the youngest asserting with attitude that she was unhappy about being told not to play in the sink, garbage can, eat food off the floor and all other 2 year old mischief! At Dinner the roar was almost deafening, then poor Jadyn tried to teach a family home evening lesson. The other kids just couldn't keep quiet long enough to hear even one scripture let alone all of the ones Jadyn wanted to read. As we cleared the table I looked at my husband and said "I think I am going to go for a walk" he gave me the understanding look that I love and adore and then said, "Have fun!"
I then decided to go for a drive and brought along my Kindle. As I got into the car I realized I had forgotten my cell phone. I had the thought that I couldn't go back inside because Emma and Connor both already had their melt downs that I was leaving them. I wished I could let Adam know that I needed my phone without going inside and as I looked up from my purse out my drivers side window, there he was, startling me. We laughed about the noise, the ridiculousness of the family home evening and the chaos that is our life. He then brought me my phone and as I drove away I knew where I wanted to go. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who recognizes my need to recharge and doesn't get angry when I need a break when he gets home from work sometimes.
Once I get to the cemetery the tears always start. It is as if I am able to put on a mask when I am away and as I park next to the road in front of the cemetery the mask is ripped away and my heart is bleeding once again. I needed to visit the voice that is missing from the chaos, the one that would be just as loud, just as silly, just as wonderful and just as exhausting. Some days I wonder if I am up to this task of motherhood, but I am so grateful for the opportunity. I know that not all women get the opportunity to raise children. I am blessed immeasurably and know that I can not do it alone.
My husband is my partner in all things and I count him as my sweetest gift from my Father in Heaven. Having a husband who was able to take me to the temple to be sealed for "Time and All Eternity" has been more essential to my happiness in this life than I could have ever imagined!

As Easter is upon us the message of hope in the Resurrection is close to our hearts. Kira just yesterday asked me, "When is the Ressurrection, I hope it is soon, I really want to meet my twin, and see Oliver again."
The Atonement of Christ makes all things that feel impossible to bear, bearable. He has descended below them all, experienced all things and provides the comfort that we need to endure whatever comes. One thing that grieving mothers across the board can not understand is when someone tells them they are strong. No we are not strong, we have no choice except to endure but we are weak and broken, I am thankful for the knowledge of the Savior so that I know who to turn to for the strength that I lack.


I told Oliver how much I miss him, how much I wish he could be here with us. How very much I wish the he was here to get to know in this life. I cling to the knowledge that Eternity will be enough!

Emma and her Kidneys

When Emma was released from the NICU she had a little history of high blood pressure. This is hard to put much stock in because it is really difficult to get an accurate blood pressure reading on a baby. They did a kidney ultrasound just to make sure that was all good and found bright spots in her kidneys that are calcium deposits. This can be caused by the many things they gave her to stay alive having been born so stinkin' early. They diagnosed her with "Nephrocalcinosis: Nephrocalcinosis is a disorder in which there is too much calcium deposited in the kidneys. This condition is common in premature babies." She did follow-up every three months for a while post discharge, and then the last 3 visits have been every 6mo. The last ultrasound was torturous! Emma screamed the whole time, then we had to do blood work. That took two ladies and me holding her but they got it on the first time. Unfortunately the results from the ultrasound took longer than normal so the appointment with the Nephrologist was really pointless. He was new so I told him all about Emma's history and he said he would call me with the results. He called a couple of days later to tell me that there are still a few bright spots and he wants to see us again in 6mo. 
Two days ago we went in to do the ultrasound and blood work (I learned my lesson from the last time, and scheduled them on a different day than the appointment).  
I was better prepared this time for the ultrasound: 
Emma's Blankie-Check
Emma's Binkie-Check(it was a special treat, she usually only gets it in her crib).
I swaddled her legs, threw my knee over them and held both of her arms and gave her the binkie. She actually calmed down after the first minute and was fine as long as the tech didn't look at her or talk to her. He was great!! Then we had to do the blood work. The lady tried to do it with just me holding her but couldn't get it to work. After digging around for what seemed like forever she called for help. I had to swaddle her to put a warm compress on the other arm while we waited for help to arrive. The three of us were able to hold her still enough and they got it on that try. She was so mad! But she still told both ladies "Thank You!" and waved good-bye!  She is so polite! They wanted a urine sample too, but she did not cooperate. 
Today's visit went like this: Emma's Nephrology appointment was short and sweet! She started crying as soon as they called her name. We both had to get weighed so we could get a weight on her and then they wanted her blood pressure. Thankfully Emma let me put the cuff on and the three of us (the nurse, the NP and Me) were able to distract her long enough to get a BP! It was good, but I didn't get the numbers. They went over her history (again), then gave me the results of her kidneys ultrasound: Her kindeys are Perfect! That's right folks! NO MORE BRIGHT SPOTS!! Growing perfect and all that jazz too! Blood work was PERFECT also! 
Yet, they want to see her again (for labs, ultrasound and BP) around her birthday....and then follow-up yearly from there.  I guess I was overly optimistic about getting this particular specialist crossed off our list. They want to keep an eye on her because she was a micro-preemie and had the umbilical line in right after she was born (in her belly button). They will watch to make sure she does not develop hypertension and her kidneys continue to grow and function normally. 
 

A little note to myself

I wrote in my journal for the first time in almost a year yesterday. I wrote an apology to my living children for "checking out" for the last two years. It was therapeutic to voice my feelings of insecurity for the kind of mother I have become in the wake of our loss. Today I woke up to a post shared by someone on Facebook about grief. And I got to thinking about what I am doing right!
 I honor my Son:
By forgiving those that hurt me, whether they apologize or not
By waking each morning and doing the best I can
By smiling when something brings me pleasure
By crying when something makes me sad
By sharing our story with any that care to hear it
By loving unconditionally, deeply and eternally
By hugging each of my children a little longer
By allowing others to lift me when I am weak
By taking a moment (or more) for myself so that I feel recharged

Emma and Oliver's Second Birthday

Emma and Oliver's Second Birthday
December (2yrs ago) was the last full month I was pregnant with two amazing babies, when we had found out that we were going to have one boy and one girl at our 20week ultrasound and named our babies: Emma Claire and Oliver Daniel. Bittersweet is my "New Normal" and every once in a while I think that I am used to that. But December and January made it clear that I am not! January is a rough month, being as their Birthday and the Day Oliver died are the 11th and 12th.

We visited Oliver on their Birthday, we brought him new flowers and a balloon! It was nice to see the kids laughing and smiling at the cemetery! A Dear Friend brought us dinner, cake and balloons that night so that I wouldn't have to worry about it! She is one of God's sweet angels!!! 

 We celebrated with family two weeks after their birthday because Adam and I went to San Diego for a week starting on the 13th. It was exactly what I needed after their birthday! It was the first time my husband and I went on vacation without kids! It was a battery recharge to just be together, spend time in the sun and relax! I needed that time to think about Oliver without Emma in front of me. I needed to heal.

 It was wonderful!

 

 The best feeling in the world, my fee in the sand! 

 

Planning the birthday party felt like a huge task that I really didn't feel up to, but we did a family party with a couple of friends. I even forgot to make sure my Brother and Sister-in-Law knew about the party so they missed it. Grief makes treading through life so murky! But it was nice!

After the party when it was just us we blew "Bubbles of Love" to Oliver! It was a nice way to send him love without going outside in the cold! 
 

We did a Teeny Tears diaper project with my church sisters in January as well. Just cutting the diapers was so draining on my heart. It felt good to be doing something so wonderful as to create diapers and blankets for other parents who lost their sweet babies. It was truly a labor of love and tears for me! We had a wonderful turn out to the sewing day and were able to get 80 diapers and 40 blankets sewn for Sacred Heart Hospital. Each has a card that says they are donated in memory of Oliver.

 more about teeny tears: http://teenytears.blogspot.com/

Emma Update: Emma is doing amazing! She is saying new words every day and will repeat just about anything you ask her to! Her ear tubes were definitely the right course of action!  She started going to therapy school with 4-5 other toddlers and gets her therapy during the two hours she is there. It is two days a week and she is getting used to saying goodbye to Mommy. She does not like circle time, sitting on the little bench is too much to ask of her, but she calms pretty quickly. She is working on her upper body strength with Physical Therapy, fine motor strength and task completion with Occupational Therapy, and working on eating different textures as well as asking for what she wants with Speech Therapy. Overall her therapists are blown away that she is doing so well considering her very early start! They can't believe she was a 23weeker!

Right after I posted this Emma yelled from her crib, she had been napping. I walk in to a naked baby who had just peed all over herself! I don't think I will ever get used to her doing things right on time! She fights me when I put pants on her and tells me she is stinky! She throws fits that are pretty convincing! She is All TWO!! She is known in nursery and at school as "The Boss", she hasn't changed much since she was bossing around the nurses in the NICU! "Don't you dare leave me alone!" She is also very sweet! Today we opened our box from Molly Bears. It is a special bear that weighs 1lb 4oz, just like Oliver did. It's name is Oliver Bear and Emma said "Oliver" for the first time when she hugged the bear.