Capture Your Grief Project 2014

Day 1: Sunrise

 I chose to capture the sun coming through the changing leaves of Fall. It represents the changing season of my grief. The hope of a new baby and the sorrow that remains from losing Oliver. 

Day 2: Heart

 This is my heart, the beauty and sorrow all wrapped into one. The joy my living children and my husband bring me is such a light in my life and having Oliver on the other side of the veil is a hard thing. We miss him, my heart is forever missing pieces. Not just Oliver, but Nadia, Sarah and Addison as well. All of my babies that I wish could be here with us now. I am thankful I know I will see them again in the next life. 

Day 3: Before

This is me and my Sunshine (my child born before any of my losses). When I was young and full of the joy of Motherhood. Before we decided to try for another and had our first loss at 10weeks. I have learned so much since then about loss and grief, I have been changed by it. But I feel blessed to be trusted with those choice babies that were too perfect for earth. I am still their Mommy, for eternity!

Day 4: Now and Day 5: Journal

 This prompt actually made me STOP, and really reflect. How am I now? What does now look like for me? The answer is really complicated! I am doing pretty well most days. Being pregnant again is SCARY! Even getting past when I delivered my twins it is still really really hard. The very thought of having more NICU time is terrifying! As much as I loved Emma's NICU nurses, I can't think about having to hook up to a pump again without shuddering! Or the scary things that you have to face while there: NEC, ROP, A's and B's, Anemia, PICC's, IV's....the list could go on forever!

I have been spotting for over a month now, the many ultrasounds have given us no answers as to where the bleeding would be coming from. It is reassuring to see my little man growing and moving and see his little heart beating, but the very real fear that our time with him on the inside is going to end before he or I am ready for it is real. 

I am getting progesterone shots weekly to hopefully get us closer to term. My uterus is irritable so I get a lot of braxton hicks, mostly at night. I hate that the early delivery of my twins has made me lose faith in my body even more than my early losses ever did. I also have no way to distinguish my anxiety from actual symptoms that need to be addressed. In essence, I don't trust myself to know when something is really wrong. I have a hard time with that! I am praying lots, and putting my trust in the Lord to direct my thoughts and actions so that we can have the very best possible outcome for this pregnancy. 

So, how am I now? I am a hot mess! And I am at peace with that! I have come to accept that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this pregnancy or the outcome of past pregnancies. All that I can do is let my "Faith be bigger and stronger than my Fear!" 

In the temple Adam and I asked the Lord if it was His will for us to try for another baby, he gave us both a clear answer that it was. He also gave us no promises what the outcome would be. Only that we were asked to act. Take that step in the dark and allow Him to work in our lives. 

I hope that we have made Him proud as we have stumbled through this very real test of Faith!

Day 6: Books

This prompt is easy for me! Reading has really been a huge part of my healing! I have always loved to read, but now it is more a part of me than ever! Above are two of my favorite Authors. I re-read both often, when I am having a hard time processing life, I escape into their stories and feel a little stronger and able to get through what ever comes my way!

Day 7: Sacred Place
There are many places that come to mind when I think of sacred place. One is the temple:

This is where Adam and I were sealed for time and all eternity. Our Temple Anniversary is coming up, it is the 18th of October. I know I have mentioned before here but when we were sealed there I had no idea how vital that sealing would be to my peace in our losses. Knowing that those spirits were sealed to us no matter how long they were with us has helped me to endure my losses.
The next place I think of is my home. The place where we are set apart from the world, we laugh and cry and fight and play. The place where we are safe and where we have experienced much! I feel the spirit in my home and hope that my children do as well.
The ocean has always held a special place in my heart as sacred as well. The majestic beauty helps me to put things into perspective. We are but tiny specs on the earth, but we are important to God. He knows each of us!