My Visit to Oliver's Grave

Having to visit Oliver's body there, makes me feel like I am dying inside. Suffocating slowly with a gaping whole in my heart.  I don't go often and have given myself permission to let that be okay. Sometimes it feels like being there resets my grief, and that is a difficult thing to come back from. I have been sharing our story and have been able to talk about His short life without tears, it has been healing, now it feels too much to bear. 
Last night my nerves were shot, I had a particularly difficult day with my sweet living children. Every one of them was loud beyond reason, one was disrespectful from the moment she came through the door from school, one was extremely loudly trying to right the injustices of the world with her whiny voice, one had absolutely no volume control as he told me every little thing that crossed his mind the top of his lungs, the youngest asserting with attitude that she was unhappy about being told not to play in the sink, garbage can, eat food off the floor and all other 2 year old mischief! At Dinner the roar was almost deafening, then poor Jadyn tried to teach a family home evening lesson. The other kids just couldn't keep quiet long enough to hear even one scripture let alone all of the ones Jadyn wanted to read. As we cleared the table I looked at my husband and said "I think I am going to go for a walk" he gave me the understanding look that I love and adore and then said, "Have fun!"
I then decided to go for a drive and brought along my Kindle. As I got into the car I realized I had forgotten my cell phone. I had the thought that I couldn't go back inside because Emma and Connor both already had their melt downs that I was leaving them. I wished I could let Adam know that I needed my phone without going inside and as I looked up from my purse out my drivers side window, there he was, startling me. We laughed about the noise, the ridiculousness of the family home evening and the chaos that is our life. He then brought me my phone and as I drove away I knew where I wanted to go. I am thankful for a wonderful husband who recognizes my need to recharge and doesn't get angry when I need a break when he gets home from work sometimes.
Once I get to the cemetery the tears always start. It is as if I am able to put on a mask when I am away and as I park next to the road in front of the cemetery the mask is ripped away and my heart is bleeding once again. I needed to visit the voice that is missing from the chaos, the one that would be just as loud, just as silly, just as wonderful and just as exhausting. Some days I wonder if I am up to this task of motherhood, but I am so grateful for the opportunity. I know that not all women get the opportunity to raise children. I am blessed immeasurably and know that I can not do it alone.
My husband is my partner in all things and I count him as my sweetest gift from my Father in Heaven. Having a husband who was able to take me to the temple to be sealed for "Time and All Eternity" has been more essential to my happiness in this life than I could have ever imagined!

As Easter is upon us the message of hope in the Resurrection is close to our hearts. Kira just yesterday asked me, "When is the Ressurrection, I hope it is soon, I really want to meet my twin, and see Oliver again."
The Atonement of Christ makes all things that feel impossible to bear, bearable. He has descended below them all, experienced all things and provides the comfort that we need to endure whatever comes. One thing that grieving mothers across the board can not understand is when someone tells them they are strong. No we are not strong, we have no choice except to endure but we are weak and broken, I am thankful for the knowledge of the Savior so that I know who to turn to for the strength that I lack.


I told Oliver how much I miss him, how much I wish he could be here with us. How very much I wish the he was here to get to know in this life. I cling to the knowledge that Eternity will be enough!

Emma and her Kidneys

When Emma was released from the NICU she had a little history of high blood pressure. This is hard to put much stock in because it is really difficult to get an accurate blood pressure reading on a baby. They did a kidney ultrasound just to make sure that was all good and found bright spots in her kidneys that are calcium deposits. This can be caused by the many things they gave her to stay alive having been born so stinkin' early. They diagnosed her with "Nephrocalcinosis: Nephrocalcinosis is a disorder in which there is too much calcium deposited in the kidneys. This condition is common in premature babies." She did follow-up every three months for a while post discharge, and then the last 3 visits have been every 6mo. The last ultrasound was torturous! Emma screamed the whole time, then we had to do blood work. That took two ladies and me holding her but they got it on the first time. Unfortunately the results from the ultrasound took longer than normal so the appointment with the Nephrologist was really pointless. He was new so I told him all about Emma's history and he said he would call me with the results. He called a couple of days later to tell me that there are still a few bright spots and he wants to see us again in 6mo. 
Two days ago we went in to do the ultrasound and blood work (I learned my lesson from the last time, and scheduled them on a different day than the appointment).  
I was better prepared this time for the ultrasound: 
Emma's Blankie-Check
Emma's Binkie-Check(it was a special treat, she usually only gets it in her crib).
I swaddled her legs, threw my knee over them and held both of her arms and gave her the binkie. She actually calmed down after the first minute and was fine as long as the tech didn't look at her or talk to her. He was great!! Then we had to do the blood work. The lady tried to do it with just me holding her but couldn't get it to work. After digging around for what seemed like forever she called for help. I had to swaddle her to put a warm compress on the other arm while we waited for help to arrive. The three of us were able to hold her still enough and they got it on that try. She was so mad! But she still told both ladies "Thank You!" and waved good-bye!  She is so polite! They wanted a urine sample too, but she did not cooperate. 
Today's visit went like this: Emma's Nephrology appointment was short and sweet! She started crying as soon as they called her name. We both had to get weighed so we could get a weight on her and then they wanted her blood pressure. Thankfully Emma let me put the cuff on and the three of us (the nurse, the NP and Me) were able to distract her long enough to get a BP! It was good, but I didn't get the numbers. They went over her history (again), then gave me the results of her kidneys ultrasound: Her kindeys are Perfect! That's right folks! NO MORE BRIGHT SPOTS!! Growing perfect and all that jazz too! Blood work was PERFECT also! 
Yet, they want to see her again (for labs, ultrasound and BP) around her birthday....and then follow-up yearly from there.  I guess I was overly optimistic about getting this particular specialist crossed off our list. They want to keep an eye on her because she was a micro-preemie and had the umbilical line in right after she was born (in her belly button). They will watch to make sure she does not develop hypertension and her kidneys continue to grow and function normally.