Reflection

As the close of this year fast approaches, I have been reflecting often on Emma and Oliver's Birth, Oliver's death and Emma's Miraculous life.We feel the loss of Oliver everyday. Jadyn, Kira and Connor talk of him often. They usually end with, "I wish that Oliver didn't have to die." We visit his grave every so often together, I don't do very well when I go alone. It makes the kids sad too. Jadyn wishes she could invent a time machine, so she could go back and make him live.

Every day with Emma is both joyous and sad. On the edge of every moment is the longing to be caring for two infants instead of just one.
Do not mistake that for ingratitude. I am deeply grateful to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with Emma in this life, for being Emma's mother and for the joy that she is!
She has exceeded all hopes, meeting every milestone, being very healthy, on top of that she is a happy baby!
Joy is the only word for what she brings to our family and all who meet her! She has defied the odds and done amazing.
The four months in the NICU at Deaconess Hospital can only be described as purgatory, The waiting place. Her nurses were my "Tour Guides" who became my friends. The lead the journey through that Waiting Place of uncertainty and got me, my family and Emma through it. Especially in the begining. Every time her monitors went off the thought would jump to my mind, would this be the moment she would say she had enough, her body could not take anymore and Heavenly Father would take her in His arms? Every time! And it was OFTEN! Her nurses called them "Emma's Death Defying De-Sats" Usually resulting in her being "bagged" air forced into her lungs until she decided to breath on her own and stimulation, rubbing her back or sternum until her heart rate would come back up. I learned how to do this long before I was able to hold her for the first time at 5 weeks old. So, if her numbers would start to dip, I would rub her back and talk to her to avoid alarms. Her nurses said my "voice was too nice," Emma needed my "I mean business" voice. Sometimes it was enough, other times, not so much.
Emma could sense when her nurses left her bedside and immediately start "acting up". I think she would hold her breath as if to say, "How dare you leave my side!"
As her first birthday is almost here, I can't help but still worry, Is this the day that the effects of her prematurity catch up to us? Will she stop doing so well? Will she start taking steps backwards? Will she not remember to breathe and slip away in the night?

She still sleeps next to my bed in her rock n play. She is still small 13lbs at 11 months. But if you didn't know she was born at 23w1d then you would think she is a perfectly healthy baby.
I take comfort in the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. He is the one who sees the BIG picture. So  I put my faith in Him and know that whatever lies ahead that it is "for our good"! I am hugging all of my children tighter, telling them I love them a little more often and trying to make every day mean something. We never know when we will be called home. But we need not fear.
On a happy note: Emma has been babbling for a while now, she says "DaDa, babubabu, mumumumu, and lots of gurgely vowel and g sounds, Yesterday she wanted my attention and she said, "Ma Ma" and again this morning. I could not be more excited, it is music to my ears!